Fear has taken hold of me.
I feel as though I am about to cliff jump into the water. Have you ever done this before? I have done it a few times, and each time I think to myself “Am I going to come up from the water? Will I hurt myself? Will I be sucked down by some unknown monster?” Standing at the cliff for more than a minute is never a good idea. I watch others do it, and they are fine, so what is holding me back? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt, fear of the unknown monster.
Last year was a year of new experiences. We travelled more than we ever have. As a family, as a couple and individually. I can truly say, I loved this new experience. I also battled with anxiety more than I ever have. This not sleeping thing was completely scary for me. Having to go “talk” with someone made me more anxious. But you know, I have been more in tune with the workings of my mind, spirituality, and family because of anxiety. Diving into this very time-consuming home school curriculum has been strange. I never thought I would ever, ever home school. I was terrified that I would wear denim jumpers and braid my hair. Instead, I have found a great community of “normal” people. Our family has grown closer together, my daughter is beginning to feel more at home. All of these events were about me jumping. Jumping into the unknown. However, I did not realize I was jumping. I was not standing at the cliff looking down at the water thinking of all the unknowns.
The funny thing is, I have no idea as to why I am standing here. I have no idea as to what is making me want to jump. Somehow, I just know that I am supposed to. Maybe this is why I am so fearful, I do not know why I am at this point. I do not know why I am supposed to be jumping.
I have this feeling like this year will bring change. Change in good ways. I am more comfortable in my skin, I have been thinking about ways of helping others, but I do not know what. I do not know how. All I know is I am being told to jump, and trust that it will be alright. I have jumped before and it has been alright, so why am I so nervous about this particular jump?
I do not know if this makes sense to any of you. And if it does, maybe you can help make the jump easier. Maybe you can tell me I am a fool, and I just need to simmer down. Either way, I am up for any sound advice. Maybe you are at the same point in your own life, and need to figure out why you are feeling restless for change, but scared to jump. Maybe you have already been through this, and have advice to give. Maybe we can help each other.
So, here is my first attempt at jumping. And I guess in some way, my official word for this year is “Plunge”. I am ready, at least I think I am, to plunge into whatever I am called to.
Scary, yet fun at the same time.
Here’s to plunging together.