Friendship is what I speak of.
For the past year, I have struggled in one of my friendships. I thought we had a good relationship, then one day, this particular person decided talking to me was not a good idea any longer. I truly do not know why. I tried calling repeatedly, tried saying hello when I saw her, tried to ask what I did.
I tried to make amends. Isn’t that what we are called to do? As Christians, and human beings, are we not called to love?
Today, I tried one more time. Instead of talking, I received a text that said she does not have time to entertain a friendship that was so full of drama. She has been trying to tell me without hurting my feelings.
My immediate response was to defend myself. I did point out the irony in this whole mess by responding back that she was the one who had not talked or returned my calls. Isn’t that being dramatic?
Then after my anger, I cried. I cried because what she said hurt to the core. I was respecting her enough to try to work it out, to be mature. How could she say this mean thing to me?
Then I was mad at myself. Mad because I felt like I was back in high school. I am approaching 40, and to feel the sting of a comment like this made me feel insecure and unsure of myself.
Then I called a good friend, and cried. I cried because I do not understand why I lose friendships. What makes me such a bad person? You know what this friend said? “You have not lost me. You are a terrific person, who cares deeply and passionately. What is wrong with being dramatic? How is this an insult? Being dramatic is deeply feeling for others and wanting things to be alright.” I began to calm down. “I am here. I am your friend, when did my opinion stop counting and this friends you’ve lost matter so much?” Still quiet. ” You have friends who love and care for you, remember who we are. We will never leave your side.”
Crying again because she is so right. In my hurt I began to lump together everyone and say I am hated. I am dramatic, but aren’t we all? We are all trying to make peace, to find ourselves, to figure out who we are.
So instead of being angry, I responded again over text, “I am sad and sorry we have lost our friendship. Can you please forgive me?” I swallowed my pride, I took ownership of what happened.
Instead of feeling anger now towards this person, I am thankful. Thankful because I have great friends that I need to take seriously. Thankful because there will be people who do not like me, and I am learning to be ok with this. Thankful because I decided to own up.
Yes, I may be dramatic, emotional, deeply sensitive to what others feel towards me. But these faults also make me more in tune about how others feel. What they may be going through, and how I can make them feel better. My faults are also my good qualities. They are a blessing and a burden.
This is the reason why I am grateful for this person. She has chosen not to respond, and that is her decision. It is not a reflection of who I am. I am grateful to have friends who love me. Who remind me that I do have faults, but who also remind me that I am loved even for these faults.
I am grateful for the opening of my eyes and heart today.
The anger is gone, and now I must move on with the friendships I have. I hope that this will encourage you as well. Even when you are not forgiven, and you may not know what happened, you are still loved. Do not hold on to anger, instead, let it go. Dwell on the positive, and you will realize it will be alright.