The question every parent of an adopted child wonders when they will hear.
“Mom, can I meet my real mom?”
It hit me like a ton of bricks, even though I knew it would come one day. What would I answer? How could I look into her eyes and say that she may never meet her real mom? How would she feel? How would I feel? There are so many questions and still are. Because I know this is not the end of wondering who she really is.
So I looked into her big, brown eyes and explained that I do not know if she ever will this side of Heaven. That China is a big country and her mother left no clue as to who she is.
She asked me where her mom dropped her off at. And again, I looked into big hurtful eyes and explained that here mother left her alone in a shopping mall as a baby. No note, no bag. That some nice policemen found her. That they searched for her mother, but her mother was no where to be found. You see her mother would have been in big trouble if she was found.
“Why did she do it mommy?”
“I do not know. But I can tell you that she probably thought you would have a better chance. That she thought she was loving you so much by giving you up to live a life you probably could not have had the chance to live with her.”
“You think she loved me mommy?”
“Yes, I think she loved you very much. She loved you so much that she wanted you to know a better life. As a mom, I know that it would have to be a very good reason to do what she did.”
“I wish she could have raised me.”
I will not lie, those words stung. I wanted to break down crying. But I had to remember that this conversation was not about me. It was about a hurting little girl, who was confused and needed love.
“Honey, one day, I will travel with you to China. I will take you to the orphanage you lived for four years of your life. I will show you where we picked you up, and hopefully you can meet some of your old nannies. I will help you find your mother, and if we meet her, I want to be there to hug her and thank her for the opportunity to raise such a wonderful little girl. I may not be your real mother, but you have been born from my heart. You know how I talk about how funny it was for your brothers to move around in my belly, and for me to give birth to them? I have different memories of you. I have memories of waiting for two long years to finally get to you. Of seeing pictures, and wanting you in my arms. Those are the same as having a baby inside you. You want them out, so you can hold them and love them. Then labor comes and it is painful, but so worth it because you now have a child to love. The same is with you. I would never change anything about my labor with you. I have a wonderful little girl to love. I believe you were supposed to be with us from the very beginning.”
“Is it okay if I love both of you?’
“Yes, honey, I think that is a great idea. I love you, and I love your mom for giving you to me.”
I realized at that moment she has been purposefully trying not to love me because of fear that her mom would return and her mother would not like her loving me. When I told her it was okay to love both and that I loved her mom, you could see a little light switch on, and my heart warmed.
I know we will be alright. I know she is where she needs to be. I know that she will be alright. The road continues to be difficult, but I would not change a thing.