Depression is a Weird Thing

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Oh depression.  I do struggle with it.  Sometimes it seems like my constant companion, sometimes it is lurking in the background, sometimes it is in my face.  But it is always there.  A few years ago, I had a hysterectomy, and to be quite honest, this procedure has really messed with my hormones and depression.  I do not talk about this much, and I do try to hide it.  It gets embarrassing sometimes, but now it is a part of me.

Here are the emotions that follow me since having the hysterectomy, and most of them,  most of my family does not even know about them, so I am taking a huge step.

Anxiety-I am always nervous. Most of the time, these feelings are controllable, and I can talk myself down.  But there are times when there feels like a bear is chasing me, and I do not know where it is.  I know something is there, but what and where is it?  Where am I supposed to go, and what am I supposed to do?

Depression-Why do I feel alone?  I feel as though no one likes me or cares.  I feel as though I am not doing enough, or measuring up to some invisible standard.  I feel worthless.

Tired-Oh, why am I so tired, but why can’t I sleep?  All I want to do is sleep.

Since I had the procedure, the doctors have said, “Well, you should not be feeling that way, you did not have a full hysterectomy.  You are just depressed, seek some help.” ” Here are some antidepressants.” I am not being listened to!

In the past month, I have asked to be taken off the medication, and have hormone levels tested, but being weened off the medicine has been a very difficult thing for me to go through.  I have never felt more depressed and more alone.  My energy levels are next to nothing.  I began to close myself off, but something interesting began to  happen.  I have been able to talk myself through the situation, and realize that telling others is more important than staying quiet.  I recently told some friends what was happening and I said directly what I needed.  I needed prayer, their friendship and to be let loose of some of the responsibility that I was carrying.  You know what happened?  They stepped in.  I was never alone, they just did not know how to help, and I have always been to afraid to ask.  I did not want to look weak, or a failure.

This is not a cure for depression, but it is a first step, and I want others to be encouraged by it.  I have since learned that by speaking out, the numbers of people who suffer from some form of this are huge.  I always knew it, but have never realized it.

Depression, for me is essentially, being stuck in what is happening to me.  I feel bad, I feel sad, no one thanks me, no one ever checks on me.  Selfishness.  It is a dreadful cycle that I see, but never really know how to leave.  I do things for others, I constantly think of others before myself, so how come no one cares for me in these situations?  How sad and embarrassing it is to admit that!

But, others do love and care, they just do not know how to show it in a way you expect them to.  Look around you, and notice the little joys of this life.  The laughter of friends, the smile of your children, the brilliant leaves changing colors.  Go easy on yourself and take notice of why you were created.  You were created to love.  Not only others but YOURSELF.  You cannot truly love others, if the love of yourself is not there.  Put down the cleaning tools, paperwork and the list of things to do, and go outside.  Focus on your children, husband, wife, friends and those you do not even know.  Sit alone for a little bit and remember the joys of your life, the good things about yourself, and suddenly there is just a little bit less depression.  Please take medication if you need it, and seek out doctors who will listen, not just dismiss you as another depressed person.  You are valuable, and you are meant to do great things no matter how small.

As stated before, this is not a cure, this is just a way to remember you are loved and matter in this world.

Love,

Suzy

5 thoughts on “Depression is a Weird Thing

  1. Please do not feel alone. You are not!! I have suffered since 1999 and have had many, many days when I could hardly drag myself from the safety of my room with the curtains drawn and the covers pulled over my head. Things do get better but you HAVE TO get help. It is a disease like diabetes or high blood pressure. It has to be treated to go away. There is no shame is seeking help!! There is courage in seeking help because you fight the notion that there is something to be ashamed of. Your family needs you of course, but you, need you. Do not spend one more minute wondering what to do and saying to yourself that oh it will pass. Find the nearest mental health office, get screened, talk to some one and do not give up until you feel better. October is National Depression Screening month (something like that) But do not wait until October!

    1. Thank you for reading. I have sought help, and thankfully I am getting more and more out of my shell about the issue. I think that it is interesting to hear how so many people suffer from this issue. Thankfully, the doctors are working with me to try an figure it all out. For a while, they were not even listening to me. It seems as though they just dismiss you as another person. Just someone else to push pills to. Not wanting to get to the real problem. I am ready to get to the real problem now. It is hard to find real help. I am so thankful that you are open about your depression. It does help to know that there are others in the family that suffer from this disease.

  2. I wish you warmth, hope, love and faith on your journey. It is all there, you just need to grasp it. Depression I’m not familiar with, but anxiety… oh my… a plague on my life for most of my late teens and 20s. Sending you my prayers and thoughts. xo

  3. Suzy,
    We love you and want you to be comfortable and happy.
    Someday we can set and share our thoughts on the parts of life that challenges us.
    I’m so happy you can talk about it and I always want to be a person you trust enough to share. I am a good listener.
    Your blog is something I look forward to because you and the kids and Mat are so darn interesting and except for Mat, cute.

  4. Thank you for having the courage to share your story, that is the first step. And the next is asking for help, and I am so glad you did and that your friends and family have stepped up. Depression runs in my husbands family, a chemical imbalance that both his dad and sister have. His dad does well on the medication, his sister does not. It is a constant struggle for her.

    Sending you love, and light on this journey. I hope you find healing. You are in my thoughts. xo

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