Oh depression. I do struggle with it. Sometimes it seems like my constant companion, sometimes it is lurking in the background, sometimes it is in my face. But it is always there. A few years ago, I had a hysterectomy, and to be quite honest, this procedure has really messed with my hormones and depression. I do not talk about this much, and I do try to hide it. It gets embarrassing sometimes, but now it is a part of me.
Here are the emotions that follow me since having the hysterectomy, and most of them, most of my family does not even know about them, so I am taking a huge step.
Anxiety-I am always nervous. Most of the time, these feelings are controllable, and I can talk myself down. But there are times when there feels like a bear is chasing me, and I do not know where it is. I know something is there, but what and where is it? Where am I supposed to go, and what am I supposed to do?
Depression-Why do I feel alone? I feel as though no one likes me or cares. I feel as though I am not doing enough, or measuring up to some invisible standard. I feel worthless.
Tired-Oh, why am I so tired, but why can’t I sleep? All I want to do is sleep.
Since I had the procedure, the doctors have said, “Well, you should not be feeling that way, you did not have a full hysterectomy. You are just depressed, seek some help.” ” Here are some antidepressants.” I am not being listened to!
In the past month, I have asked to be taken off the medication, and have hormone levels tested, but being weened off the medicine has been a very difficult thing for me to go through. I have never felt more depressed and more alone. My energy levels are next to nothing. I began to close myself off, but something interesting began to happen. I have been able to talk myself through the situation, and realize that telling others is more important than staying quiet. I recently told some friends what was happening and I said directly what I needed. I needed prayer, their friendship and to be let loose of some of the responsibility that I was carrying. You know what happened? They stepped in. I was never alone, they just did not know how to help, and I have always been to afraid to ask. I did not want to look weak, or a failure.
This is not a cure for depression, but it is a first step, and I want others to be encouraged by it. I have since learned that by speaking out, the numbers of people who suffer from some form of this are huge. I always knew it, but have never realized it.
Depression, for me is essentially, being stuck in what is happening to me. I feel bad, I feel sad, no one thanks me, no one ever checks on me. Selfishness. It is a dreadful cycle that I see, but never really know how to leave. I do things for others, I constantly think of others before myself, so how come no one cares for me in these situations? How sad and embarrassing it is to admit that!
But, others do love and care, they just do not know how to show it in a way you expect them to. Look around you, and notice the little joys of this life. The laughter of friends, the smile of your children, the brilliant leaves changing colors. Go easy on yourself and take notice of why you were created. You were created to love. Not only others but YOURSELF. You cannot truly love others, if the love of yourself is not there. Put down the cleaning tools, paperwork and the list of things to do, and go outside. Focus on your children, husband, wife, friends and those you do not even know. Sit alone for a little bit and remember the joys of your life, the good things about yourself, and suddenly there is just a little bit less depression. Please take medication if you need it, and seek out doctors who will listen, not just dismiss you as another depressed person. You are valuable, and you are meant to do great things no matter how small.
As stated before, this is not a cure, this is just a way to remember you are loved and matter in this world.