Anyone else ever feel like they just don’t measure up? Last night, was a hard night for me. I was reminded of former friends whom I no longer keep in touch with. Not for lack of trying, I have tried to make amends. In many cases, I even know what I have done wrong. In some I do not even begin to know. Thankfully, those that I know what I have done, we have made amends but unfortunately our friendship will never be the same. It was not all just me, I know this. It was two young people trying to make sense of hurts, disappointments and expectations we all put on friendships. Then their are those whom I have no idea what went wrong, have tried to make amends, but they have been cruel and have told me that I am basically not worth the effort. These are hurtful and truly affect the way I think of myself.
I have never had an easy time of making friends. When I was younger, I was picked on quite a bit. I had horrible teeth, played the violin and was not known for being pretty in any way possible. Awkward is a good word for it. As I grew up, I chose any group I fit in with and I became a tribe floater. I was so scared of making someone mad, or having them realize that I was not worth it, that I refused to get too close to anyone. This ended up hurting me anyway, as I felt as if I was better friends with some, and they would inform me that I was not.
This mess has carried into my adult life, and has been difficult even in marriage. I have been known to push Mr. Bits away, just to make sure he doesn’t dislike who I “really” am. Thankfully, he is amazing and has shown to me on several occasions that this is not the case at all. He knows all about me and still loves me tremendously. This mess is definitely in my friendships, as I am terrified that I will make someone upset. I worked for years as a teacher, and felt sorely misunderstood by many people. I felt like my character was flawed and they must be perfect because everyone seems to like them. I know this is not the case with all of my coworkers, but when one feels that way, in my mind, all do. I feel this way in church. I feel this way in whatever I choose to occupy my time.
It is a constant battle. A constant change in my own thinking to remind myself that we all must feel this way on some level. I remind myself that I do have people who love me, faults and all. That we all, every human being in this world, has faults. Every human has something that makes them difficult to get along with. And Most days, these thoughts prevail. But there are some days, when I feel utterly alone and lost. What is wrong with me? Why do I have no one who cares? The all or nothing mindset of depression. Then I remember that I had to stop therapy for a couple of months due to an overbooked schedule. That this is a new year, and all the craziness of the old year is still fresh. Time to reschedule.
Today is a hard day. I really do not know why I am choosing to share this information with you all, except for the fact that I really do want to be real and honest. I am not looking for people to baby me, but I do want to know I am not alone.
Do others ever feel this way? Do others ever have these bad days?
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts today.