Anyone Else?

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Anyone else ever feel like they just don’t measure up?  Last night, was a hard night for me.  I was reminded of former friends whom I no longer keep in touch with.  Not for lack of trying, I have tried to make amends.  In many cases, I even know what I have done wrong.  In some I do not even begin to know.  Thankfully, those that I know what I have done, we have made amends but unfortunately our friendship will never be the same.  It was not all just me, I know this.  It was two young people trying to make sense of hurts, disappointments and expectations we all put on friendships.  Then their are those whom I have no idea what went wrong, have tried to make amends, but they have been cruel and have told me that I am basically not worth the effort.  These are hurtful and truly affect the way I think of myself.

I have never had an easy time of making friends.  When I was younger, I was picked on quite a bit.  I had horrible teeth, played the violin and was not known for being pretty in any way possible.  Awkward is a good word for it.  As I grew up, I chose any group I fit in with and I became a tribe floater.  I was so scared of making someone mad, or having them realize that I was not worth it, that I refused to get too close to anyone.  This ended up hurting me anyway, as I felt as if I was better friends with some, and they would inform me that I was not.

This mess has carried into my adult life, and has been difficult even in marriage.  I have been known to push Mr. Bits away, just to make sure he doesn’t dislike who I “really” am.  Thankfully, he is amazing and has shown to me on several occasions that this is not the case at all.  He knows all about me and still loves me tremendously.  This mess is definitely in my friendships, as I am terrified that I will make someone upset. I worked for years as a teacher, and felt sorely misunderstood by many people.  I felt like my character was flawed and they must be perfect because everyone seems to like them.  I know this is not the case with all of my coworkers, but when one feels that way, in my mind, all do.  I feel this way in church.  I feel this way in whatever I choose to occupy my time.

It is a constant battle.  A constant change in my own thinking to remind myself that we all must feel this way on some level.  I remind myself that I do have people who love me, faults and all. That we all, every human being in this world, has faults.  Every human has something that makes them difficult to get along with.  And Most days, these thoughts prevail.  But there are some days, when I feel utterly alone and lost.  What is wrong with me?  Why do I have no one who cares?  The all or nothing mindset of depression.  Then I remember that I had to stop therapy for a couple of months due to an overbooked schedule.  That this is a new year, and all the craziness of the old year is still fresh.  Time to reschedule.

Today is a hard day.  I really do not know why I am choosing to share this information with you all, except for the fact that I really do want to be real and honest.  I am not looking for people to baby me, but I do want to know I am not alone.

Do others ever feel this way?  Do others ever have these bad days?

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts today.

Love,

Suzy

7 thoughts on “Anyone Else?

  1. I feel this way too! I too was an awkward kid and teen. I haven’t had real friends until the past few years and I still struggle with how to actually make and maintain friendships. I often run my mouth without thinking and I tend to be oblivious to hints. I have no idea what to say except me too, and HUGS!

  2. Absolutely not alone. One of my favorite quotes and the original author is unknown. ” The most important understanding you will ever have, is when you understand that many, will not understand you. ”
    Another:
    Criticism is something we can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing.
    Aristotle

    Don’t you ever hesitate to share with me your thoughts bright or dark. I am your friend and I love you and your family.

    1. Thank you Dan. I was really nervous about writing this post, but felt I should be honest. Thank you so much for your encouraging comment.

  3. Oh dearest Suzanne don’t be so hard on yourself…Having the disease of depression makes some days so pointless and barren that you wonder if all your efforts are worth it. And then….the sun comes out and things look a little better and the next day isn’t so bad and then you are in a good stretch. I have suffered from depression since Sept. of 1999.As you know you go through stretches that are just not fun. I am sorry your childhood was tough, I truly am, but it is over..Do try to leave it behind.I say that so easily but life is no fun when you dwell…. As i grow older I see so plainly the things that really didn’t matter when my sons were young. The crazy schedules of activity will one day lessen and you will have time to think and to read a book just for fun!!!! You are surrounded by people who love you and they need you. But….they don’t need you to the point of exhaustion…Say no once in a while to an activity that will further burden your schedule. It’s OK to say no….Love you..Aunt Susie…

    1. Thank you Suzy. As you know, some days are easier than others, and sometimes you don’t even know when it will hit like a ton of bricks! Yesterday was that day, and I tend to dwell on the past during those times. So hard, and it brings me down so fast. I am grateful for your words, as I know you have been through it. THnak you so much for your support.

  4. I once read a quote that might apply: The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about. Thank you for sharing even the dark thoughts as when they see light, it helps others who love you already, love you even more. You are a very strong women but even the strong are not so, every moment and every day. I am glad you are in my life.

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