How we Speak to Ourselves Matters More Than we Realize

There are mornings that seem promising, and then there are mornings that seem off.  For anyone who suffers from self doubt and feelings of being inadequate, the mornings that seem “off” far outnumber the promising days.  I have always struggled with being enough, which has meant that I try way too hard to be someone I am not.  I am a very capable woman, but lately, I have realized that I truly cannot do it all.  I have been so wrapped up with trying to prove that I am capable, that I have proven the very opposite.  I have only shown others, especially my children that I can be overwhelmed, hurried, angry that I am not getting it all done.  I hurry them, and say harsh things, just so I can get somewhere on time.  Is this really “getting it all done”?  What is it that I really need to do that is so important that my kids and husband see disappointment in myself and frustration with them?


In November, I became so sick that the doctors put me on 5 powerful antibiotics, which in turn caused problems of there own.  It was a long month for me.  I could not do any of the tasks that I usually do.  I would start something, then end up in bed because of the pain and fatigue.  I could not just get better like I have in the past.  This resulted in me having to stay home while the rest of my family travelled back east to visit family for Thanksgiving.  I felt awful, and down about myself.  I said things out loud about how I did not like myself, that I always let people down.  I am so unhealthy, such a burden.  What I did not know, was that my children were listening so intently.  Fast forward to the end of December, and our son, who was down, opened up that he felt the same way about himself.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  First of all, that my rushing to “get it all done”, was putting pressure on my kids.  In my attempt to get them where they all needed to go, I was not listening to how they were feeling.  But this was not the first time I realized it.  I did realize this back in November, when I was alone and had time to think.  During my alone time, which I realized I never had in 15 years, I decided to read, craft and look at how I ended up so sick.  I wrote down what I do in an entire week and it literally took up two sides of a poster board!   But the main thing that stood out was not the amount, but what was not on it.  Quality, unrushed time with my husband and kids, as well as by myself.   I was thinking I was doing all things for God and in reality, I was doing it all so that I could look like I am a woman who can do it all.


I am not beating myself up! Truly, I needed this sickness to show me the state of my life.  We are all busy, but what is it that is driving us?  Appearances, money, accomplishing our goals?  None of those are bad, but when they become the number one reason, we can exhaust ourselves.


I have made small but big changes.  The main one being to pray in the mornings, in the afternoons and in the evenings.  I constantly pray that I can live in the moment given.  That I am not distracted when my kids talk to me, that my mind doesn’t drift to what has been left undone when my husband tells me about his day.  To absorb each and every moment with whomever I am with.  Another is to have at least one day completely free to spend with the kids.  Even though I homeschool, I schedule so much that I cannot devote my time to what my kids are really in need of.  Since doing this, my kids have said thank you!  This was the biggest surprise of all!  This day helps me to take care of myself as well, and has also led to more days of just being.  Not pressuring myself to be someone more, but to just be.  Lastly, I have really begun to listen to my feelings, and how I express how I feel about myself.  I desire that my kids know that there are people they can talk with, that they do not need to compare themselves to others.  Be proud of who they are.  Most importantly, I want to be an example to my kids that I can be a mother who does make mistakes, but it is not the end of the world.  I want them to realize one can change, it does take work and lots of mistakes, but it can be done.  I don’t have to talk down to myself when I do make a mistake, but I can instead acknowledge it and move on.


Old habits die hard, and the awful feelings creep back in.  But, truly with therapy, forgiveness of myself and not taking things so seriously, I have begun to grow.  Little baby steps, but ones that have made huge impacts.

Please, go easier on yourselves.  No one is perfect.  Not one person can do it all.  When you are easier on yourself, others will see the changes and respond.  Besides, asking for help and doing things together builds a stronger world.

Love to you all and thanks for reading,



Hello!  I don’t know what has brought me back here to write, except for the fact that this blog was drawing me back.  A lot has changed in a year since I last wrote a post.  All I can say is that I feel a little more threadbare.  Feeling tired, yet invigorated.  Exposed, yet useful.  My path has taken a completely different direction since I first began writing  a blog many years ago.  As I was looking back at all of the posts, I somehow felt older.  What may have worried me before, no longer does.  I contemplated deleting my old post, but have since decided against it.  I like looking back, and I want others to have the option of looking at where I have been, and where life seems to be taking me now.  Even as I looked at the pictures of my holidays this year, I realize that I have been drawn to the perfectly imperfect places and situations.  Those that show the realness of who I am and the environment around me.  I no longer want to make things look amazing, but I want to see the amazing beauty from the randomness of the day.


My focus of this blog will change a little because I have changed a lot.  I no longer try to make selling vintage my number one goal.  Yes we still homeschool, but even that has changed a little as well.  I have started a community kitchen in my city that serves mostly the homeless population.  I see the harshness of reality a little more, and I no longer want to hide it.  But I also want to see the beauty in what is all around me on a daily basis.  I now see this blog as a place that will help me make sense of what my mind and heart are leading me to.


What are some of the things I know for sure?  I know that I love my family.  I know that I serve the community.  I know that I am done with trying so hard.  I know that I am ready to move into whatever God has planned, yet not wanting to do it all at the same time.  I also know that I am constantly seeking where I fit in, and how to make things work.  I know that I am not much different than everyone else with these feelings.  But what is even more encouraging is that I know that goodness and beauty far outweighs any negative feelings or thoughts that I have.


So here I am, ready to be a little more honest, and daring.  I am excited to see where this little journal will take me and you through the year.  What things can we possibly discover about ourselves and our paths that we will not be comfortable with, yet ready to try?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!



Five Things you Can do This Week to Make the World a Better Place


Many times, we think we have to do something big to change the world, but really, it starts with small steps to put a smile on someone’s face.  Here are five small things you can do this week to change someone’s outlook.

Monday:  leave a treat in the mailbox for the postman/woman.  We have had so much snow lately, and they have delivered the mail faithfully every single day!  Brighten their day and let then know how much you are thankful for them.

Tuesday:  Write a letter to a family member, friend or colleague letting them know how wonderful they are.  I recently got a letter in the mail “just because”  from my grandmother-in-law.  This made me feel so special and makes me want to do this for someone else!

Wednesday: Have your family round up the carts in the grocery store parking lot.

Thursday:  Hold the door open for people with a smile on your face.

Friday:  Hand out hand warmers to homeless you see on the streets as you drive around.  Remember not every one makes it to a shelter for the night, and it is cold outside.  It is something small, but it is something.

Please post any other ideas that you may have for making a difference in the world.  Its starts with the small, and snowballs into something big!




Look What She Made


This girl has been talking my ear off today!  Today she read 4 books that were full of information, and believe me, I have heard so much about random things!  Like how a python can get so big that it can eat a crocodile!  Ummm…Wow!

But the best part of her day was making these cool Lego creations!  She is so very proud of them, and I am very proud of her.  She had a great day and is riding high!

Love you Little Bit!

Remember When?


I have been reminded lately of childhood and when I was sick.  Truly sick.  Not just a cold, but one of those flus that knock you out.  That keep you bedridden for days.  I remember feeling that it would never end, or that all I wanted to do was go outside and see the sunlight!  I wanted to see my friends, and actually go back to school!

But what I really remember is how all I wanted was my mommy to tell me it was going to be alright.  Her to bring me a bowl of hot soup and stroke my hair and tell me its okay to stay in bed all day long.  Do you remember someone doing this for you?  It does not have to be your mom, but someone who just showed you love when you felt like complete and total crap.

Whatever you are going through right now, whether it be depression, sickness, recovery from surgery, recovery from drugs or alcohol.  Whatever you are going through, know that it is completely okay to stay in bed some days and have someone show you love.  It is completely okay to just cry.  This to shall pass, sooner or later.

Today I am Thankful For…

The views from where I lay, healing.


My kids are doing their homework without a ton of convincing.  They know that they need to and I am so thankful that they are old enough to just get to work!


This dog!  Every window he sees me through, he sits next to.  It’s like he is keeping me safe and making sure I am well!


A peaceful room with lots of warm blankets!  It is so very cold outside, and the weather has been crazy!  Last Friday, the day I went into my surgery, the temperature was -6!  Today it is 37 and raining!  It has been so very strange, but I am not complaining!  We are a state that thrives on snowfall and skiing, so keep it coming.

I am feeling a little better, which is also something to be thankful for!  However, today I have a ton of swelling and discomfort.  But even with this discomfort, I realize that I have a wonderful family who is waiting on me so well!  The kids are getting whatever I need and are ordering me to stay in bed!  How nice is that?

I also read this quote today which has put so much in perspective:

“…just for today — DO. NOT. WORRY. “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matt6:34MSG
Just for today: Be a prayer warrior–not a panicked worrier. You either leave your worries with God . . . or your worries will make you leave God.
Worry is just the facade of taking action — when prayer really is. ” -Ann Voskamp

I have been so tremendously worried that I will not heal properly this week.  I have been having this condition for 4 months, and I am so concerned that the surgery will not fix the problem.  I am ready to get back to “normal”.  But I am seeing that this has been a way for God to show me how to rely on Him.  How if I ask for help from others, they are quick to come to my aid.  That I have wonderful friends who will help put on a Wednesday meal at a moments notice.  I have a friend who brings me Dr. Pepper because she knows I love it!  I have a husband who takes our daughter to Girl Scouts and sits through meetings.  I have readers who wish me the best.  Guess what?  The world still moves when I am not!  I am so very grateful for you all and this longer than expected recovery.  Without it, I would not get to see the tremendous blessings in my life.

Thank you!




This surgery has been a little bit tougher than I thought it would be.    It is not really the pain of the procedure, although it is uncomfortable, but it is instead the anesthesia.  Anesthesia is always so hard on my body, and on Friday I spent most of the day throwing up and then Saturday feeling very hungover.  Today, I finally was able to get up and move a little.  I put my Christmas ornaments away, and was able to tell my kids where all the boxes of decorations go.  Then, I laid down for most of the afternoon, feeling quite down.  The pain and weariness were getting to me, and I was allowing my anxiety and depression to get the better of me.  Felling quite sorry for myself.  Then I started to look around and I noticed how my family loves me.  My husband and Middle Bit have spent the past two days making meals together.  Meals that will nourish the family and help me to feel better.  The house has been picked up, laundry done and the chores finished.  The house has been quite and they have allowed me to sleep whenever I needed.  We have spent some precious time together as a family watching movies, and listening to the radio.  My daughter has made me some of the cutest get well presents.  My husband has been so gentile and kind to me as I try to recover.  Most importantly, this recovery is truly going as scheduled.  My body has accomplished the major “landmarks” it is supposed to.  I was blessed enough to see a specialist who provides a surgery with a week of recovery as opposed to 4 to 6 weeks of being down.  There is truly so much to be thankful for, and now I must allow myself to take the time it needs to recover.  This is how I give of myself this day and in the upcoming days.  Allow my family to take care of me, allow my body to heal properly.  So much to be thankful for.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!



Back to Real Life


This Christmas break has been one of the best we have ever had.  Truly!  There were no expectations, no hurrying to get somewhere, Mr. Bits had almost two whole weeks off and we were all together!  The days were full of sitting or doing whatever came to mind.  I think we have all been dreading the reality of today, but it was nice to get back into a groove.  The kids started school today, and it actually went smoothly.  No arguing about starting a routine.  I think they secretly were excited to get back to a normal routine.  I actually started cleaning my house and putting the decorations away.  I am not putting all of them away since we celebrate through Epiphany, but I did want to get started.  My urge to have a clean house was just too overwhelming.  The tree will stay up through the weekend though.  Part of my urge was due to the fact I have a small surgery on Friday.  Nothing too huge to worry about, but I will be down at most a week, hopefully not even that long but we shall see.  I want to make sure the house is in order so that no one has to worry about anything.  Of course it includes the schedule for Mr. Bits to keep up with, and I know he will do great, but I think us mothers worry sometimes!  It’s just that we know the schedule so well!

Thought a great deal about my new mantra today.  How have I given of myself this day?  I realized that on a daily basis we give so much of ourselves that we forget to really see it.  Making sure to devote my attention to the kids when they are wanting to show me something.  It sounds small, but it is so tremendously huge!  I cannot forget to do this and truly be in the moment or I will miss out on so very much!  A small thing given of myself this day.  The dinner put on the table, the toilet that was cleaned, the homework that was helped with.  All of this may not seem like much, but it is my way of giving and I am thankful for the opportunity.  I also thought about how giving of myself means that I must take care of myself, and so here I sit in a quiet space journaling about the day.  Therapy for my soul, and peace that is needed.  This moment of remembering to savor and be grateful for the gifts that were given to me this day.  What a journey!

Peace to you all this night, and thank you for reading!

Words to Live By


This past year has been, well different.  Last January, another woman and I started a community kitchen in our church basement.  The lunch is open to anyone, every Wednesday, no cost for anyone who wants a delicious home cooked hot meal.  It started with four people showing up the first day we opened, and now it has grown to an average of 130 people per week, spiking on some days to over 200.  I have learned so much about other people as well as myself this past year.  The biggest being that a variety of people, homeless to rich, drug addicts to business world, all ethnicities and religions can share a meal together peacefully and work together in a positive and uplifting environment.  I have realized that I love to cook, and help other people develop their goals and realize they can accomplish a task no matter how small.  I have realized that the more I give the more I receive and truly the smaller I become.

Yesterday, I was walking on my treadmill watching It’s a Wonderful Life.  There is a moment in the movie when George looks at his dads picture and underneath the picture is a plaque that states, “All you can take with you is that which you’ve given away.”  This quote struck me and I realized that this is how I want to live.  Not acquiring fame, stuff or more money, but I desire to live my life given away.  So, instead of making a New Years resolution, I have decided to try to live out this quote everyday.  My goal is to do at least one thing a day that is given.  This can include what I give to my family such as my attention and care, to how I smile at someone walking down the street whether they smile back or not.

I am excited to start this New Year and where this quote will take me.

Love to you all!



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